Stargazer
by Lingering Vermin
Summary: How wrong it can go, mentally, when you're "alone".


Okok!

This is my first story to upload.

It's not the best, nor the longest, nor the most interresting. It's based over my own experience with skizophrenia and some of my earlier ways of thinking, because sometimes writting is the way to get things off my mind.

I do not hope that you'll judge me or anything. I hope you'll enjoy what I've made.

And just to make this clear: I don't want negative sh*t on my story. I would love to get feedback and constructive qritique. But no hating.

I'm nut the best at english either, since it's not my main language.

Thank you, and enjoy~

* * *

><p><em>Stargazer. <em>

That's what they called me.

_Weak and cold hearted._

But how would they be able to know, to understand, that each step, each breath, each fucking heart beat is like a painful stab right through each and every part in your fucking body?

How could they possibly know what is feels like to be unloved, to not gain anything in your life, except failures and a little brother who would give a shit about what happens to you, because he is so up in your best friends ass, it's almost vomittingly sick to look at.

I have friends.

I have a family.

But all of them care so less about me, that I'm sure if I disappeared then they wouldn't give a shit.

I can't recall for how many years I now have woken up on a cold and frosty winter morning, completely alone in the haunted halls.

I'm the Nordic country Norway.

I live in a giant mansion in the north of my country, a few miles from the city, completely surrounded by the nature.  
>Even it looks expensive and mighty on the outside it practically consists of haunted halls where the wind blows through making anyone who walks in them shiver and with so high ceilings that it's like staring into the sky, except that there ain't any clouds, or a bright blue sky on my ceilings.<br>It's completely empty, no paintings on the whitewashed walls, giant windows on the back of the mansion where the sun and moon lights the white rooms up, almost making them glow and only a few furniture's to make it comfortable to live there.

Yes that is my home.

I prefer to stay at my cabin though.  
>It's buried deep in the biggest mountains where no other people come around, where it's only me.<p>

I like spending time on my own, climbing the mountains, walking in the deep woods, perhaps taking a nap in the peacefully valleys that surrounds me and my home.

My country isn't the biggest, nor does it have a lot of wicked animals or the most overwhelming nature.

My country isn't the strongest or famous all over the world.

My country, my land is different than any others, except my brother, he has the same spiritual and calm harmony.

Mine is filled with breathtaking rivers, mountains so big that they're filled with snow on the top, endless valleys, lonely places, rocky beaches, flower fields, grassy meadows, giant waterfalls, silent lakes buried deep within the big woods.  
>It's spiritual, in harmony with the people, in harmony with the nature.<br>It's beautiful from each weak morning of the spring where every flower, every tree, every living thing wakes up, to every warm summer day where the rays of the sun makes you forget every worry, to all the windy and chilling autumn days where all different kinds of colors plays along in every tiny leaf to every giant, old tree, to the frosty winter nights, filled with the most pure white snow, cold and deadly, yet beautiful as nothing else.

I'm different from all the others.

Denmark is completely flat.  
>Sweden is only covered in woods and a few stones here and there.<br>Iceland is rocky.  
>Finland is filled with lakes and rivers.<p>

I have what they have, and more.

_Norwegian woods. _

I want to bury myself in the deep and mysterious woods where no one was ever to find me again.  
>I want to hide myself and never to come back, because who would care if I suddenly disappeared and never came back?<p>

My people.

I would never be able to desert my people.

I am a Norwegian man with honor and pride.

But even a Norwegian man, and old Viking, can't avoid having fears either.

When I look around, when I stand in my nature, my element, it's like a slightly blurry veil impairs all of my senses, making me unable to hear, to feel my worries, my needs, my fears.

_Norwegian woods.  
><em>

It's like stepping out into the nowhere and falling down, further and further, just falling through time and space, falling through the universe.

But it has to end somewhere, doesn't it?

I have to come back to reality before I fall into the dark hole which is growing bigger and bigger, pulling me closer to the edge.  
>It's dangerous.<br>I'm playing on the edge of sanity and insanity, reality and illusion.

I like being alone, I enjoy the times where no one else is around me, where I can stay in my own world.  
>But sometimes you have to wake up and face the reality, the world, the day.<p>

I know that.

I'm not dumb.

I know how to wake up in time, but what if there is nothing to wake up to?  
>No one to reach out their arms, welcoming you with actual joy and not a fake smile they've put on because they either pity you because they can see you're in pain, but they don't know how to handle it so they just play along, or just want to play friendly to get a good image and making others interested in them.<br>If you're waking up to something or someone that once was part of your life, but disappeared, is right in front of you, but unreachable.

What if all you really want is to fall back to the calm and easy world of nothing?

_Stargazer._

_Heartless._

_Norwegian woods._

_Kongeriket Norge, __Norðvegr._

_Født - ?_

_Død - ?_

_Kongeriket Norge, Norðvegr._

_Alltid elsket av sitt folk._


End file.
